John Boehner - doesn't he look like every guy you've ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.

President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.

The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.

The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.

Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.

I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.