Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.

It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time. It's like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.

The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.

The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'