In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?

Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.

Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.

We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.

At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'

The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.