Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.

Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.

United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.

All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them.