Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.
David LettermanToday coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.
David LettermanHillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.
David LettermanWelcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.
David Letterman