A small handgun makes any TV remote control.

Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.

The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.