A small handgun makes any TV remote control.

One of the remarkable things about being 19 is that you can break open a case of warm beer at midnight and still be wide-eyed and alert for your eight-a.m. class. And that gave me the false impression that my life would always be like that.

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.

Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again.

Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!

Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them.

My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.