How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.

Don't worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of 'The Sunshine Boys' with Jay Leno.

Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.