Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.

The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.

Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper.'

You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.