The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.

Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president's chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What's the problem?

Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.

They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.

How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.

Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.

Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.