The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.

President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory.

Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.

They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'

Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.

The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'