Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps.

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.

Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.

I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.