The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.

At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

It's disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign.

Here's a woman, a real pioneer for other women looking for careers in stand-up comedy. And talk about guts - she would come out here and sit in this chair and say some things that were unbelievable - where you would have to swallow pretty hard... but it was hilarious... the force of her comedy was overpowering.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.