We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.

Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.

It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.

How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.