A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.

The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It's being called 'Operation Approval Ratings.'

People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians.

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.

You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella. First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?

Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.