A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.

So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'