Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.

Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?

Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.