Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.

We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.

Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka.

My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.

Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.

Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.

Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.