The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.

This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.