The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.

Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.

Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them.

After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.

Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

Life experience is the best teacher.