Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.
David LettermanToday would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.
David LettermanMartha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.
David LettermanYou like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?
David LettermanEverybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.
David LettermanMonday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie.
David Letterman