George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.

You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.

They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'

Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man - he already has all of his sex scandals behind him.