My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address - while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!

How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.

Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care.

My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.