My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.

Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. ... There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.

The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.