Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.'

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.

Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.