Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'

To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.

I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.

Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.