I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

An old interview of Arnold Schwartzenegger has surfaced where he admits to smoking a lot of pot and having sex with hookers. Finally a Republican all Californians can get behind.

Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'