I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.

Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.

Any online gamblers here? Well, Congress is looking in shutting that down.There's going to be a massive congressional investigation of online gambling and they're going to shut it down. And when they get done with that, they're going to look into this North Korean thing.

Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.