I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license.

I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.

The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.

I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.