President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.

You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.