Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.
David LettermanThat's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.
David LettermanYou folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's called the "Mentalist." And it's about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It's miraculous; he's the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.
David LettermanThe oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.
David Letterman