It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam.

They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'

Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'

You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?