You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's called the "Mentalist." And it's about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It's miraculous; he's the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.

According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'

I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.

My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.

Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators.

Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that's me.

You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.