I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.

George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.

Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?

This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.