Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they're never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show.

I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.

All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.

A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.

Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.