Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.

Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.

President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.

There's some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.

It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam.