I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.

The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.

One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News.