There is no off position on the genius switch.

It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?

A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.

I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.

Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.