Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'

One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.

Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.

I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime.