There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.

I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.

A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.

Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.

I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole.