Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.

Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.

Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary.

I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.

United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.