Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He's going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.

Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.

Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.