Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president's chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What's the problem?

You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.

The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.

John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for.

In Hollywood, Oscar is king.

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.