Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president's chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What's the problem?

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, 'We need one of these things around the White House.'

Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.

It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam.

Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.