Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.

People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians.

Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.

John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.

By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.' And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.

Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.