Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.

Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.

Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.

That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.

This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?'

The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.

You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.