Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man - he already has all of his sex scandals behind him.

It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.

Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.

My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.