I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

Here's some news from Afghanistan. We're sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000 pounds of bombs and billions and billions of dollars and the highest ranking enemy we've captured so far is an American.

According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'

It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.

Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.