I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.

President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense - he wants to know what was going on, too.

We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.

It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?

You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.

They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one.

Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.