We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.

Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don't confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That's urban quagmire.

Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to 'President Trump.'

New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.

The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.

Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they're going to make a movie about it. They're going to call it 'Some like it Jihad.'