New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators.

You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella. First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?

Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.