New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also the Thomas Tank Engine balloon, and they even have the Ebola nurse balloon.

How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke. ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in.

I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.

Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!

Obama said they've had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God's sake!

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'