New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president's chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What's the problem?

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He's going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.

Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!