Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.

You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.

It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.

Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.

I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole.

Love: You can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun.

Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.