President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again.

Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.

When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im going to start smoking cigars again. I gave them up about a year and a half ago, and I now realize that it may have been my one last fun, interesting thing to do.

Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.

Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.

It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?