New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.

In Hollywood, Oscar is king.

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don't have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

John Walker, while he was in Afghanistan, told people his goal was to have four wives. ... Do we need any further proof that this guy is out of his mind? Four wives? That's how al Qaeda gets you to become a suicide bomber.

Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.