Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.

Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.

Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.

There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections.

The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.