Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.

Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign.

John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.'

Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He's going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.

I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.