Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.

Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.

The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!