The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.

All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.

What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - like President Obama.

The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.

Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!