The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

An old interview of Arnold Schwartzenegger has surfaced where he admits to smoking a lot of pot and having sex with hookers. Finally a Republican all Californians can get behind.

Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.

Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.