The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.

At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.

Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.

I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.

The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them.

I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.