Love: You can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun.

They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.