All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You're the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.

An old interview of Arnold Schwartzenegger has surfaced where he admits to smoking a lot of pot and having sex with hookers. Finally a Republican all Californians can get behind.

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.