All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.

I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.

They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.

This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?