This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.

This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?'

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. ... There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'

The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds - kind of like his stint in the National Guard.

We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.

Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.