Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.

Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.

Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.

Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.