Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.

Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she's at hillary@pantsuit.com.

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.

President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out of Iraq. And now we're back. But this time there is an exit strategy. Barack Obama has an exit strategy. In 2016, he's gone.

Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.

John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either.

Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.