Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.

Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.

I don't know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I'm on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?

Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.