You are one of a kind, one in a billion, an incredible unique individual. The problem is, so is everybody else.

If you feel like you want to die, it's time to sit down and make a list of all the things you haven't done yet.

I was the originator of smack. Some guys rattle with smack; with other guys it rolls right off their shoulders like nothing.

When it comes to your life's work, you can't take yourself too seriously. Even Jesus had an occasional joke with the boys, take walking on water, for instance - but there's a time and place for fun. Jesus never faltered when it came time to tip over the money stalls or to take his hard walk up the mountain.

You take all the offensive linemen and put them in a burlap bag, and then you take a baseball bat and beat on the bag. You’re sacking them. You’re bagging them. And that’s what you’re doing with a quarterback.

When I was a teenager, I was so dumb my mamma knocked me off the porch with a broom. You wish you had so good a mamma.

How can you possibly be sympathetic to every fool on the planet? Just the other day, I heard a man whining about his hopeless love of cross-dressing. Call me unenlightened, but I started to laugh.