Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show business. Hard work, perseverance, and discipline: all the things you need...when you have no talent.

The whole world is drunk and we're just the cocktail of the moment. Someday soon, the world will wake up, down two aspirin with a glass of tomato juice, and wonder what the hell all the fuss was about.

Motivation is a lotta crap.

When Jerry Lewis and I were big, we used to go to parties, and everybody thought I was big-headed and stuck up, and I wasn't. It was because I didn't know how to speak good English, so I used to keep my mouth shut.

I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant.'

Haven't got a girl, but I can wish. So I'll take me down to Main Street and that's where I'll select my imaginary dish.

I know it's the gentlemanly thing to let the wife file. But, then, everybody knows I'm no gentleman.